And now a word from Conquistador Coffee (no, dammit, it's not "Sasquatch")

An office. Boss is reading a book, 'Chinese for Business Men'. He tries out a few Chinese words. There is a knock at the door.

Boss Come in. (Mr Frog comes in) Ah, Frog.

Frog S. Frog, sir.

Boss Shut up, I want to have a word with you, Frog.

Frog S. Frog, sir.

Boss Shut up. It's about your advertising campaign for Conquistador Coffee. Now, I've had the managing director of Conquistador to see me this morning and he's very unhappy with your campaign. Very unhappy. In fact, he's shot himself.

Frog Badly, sir?

Boss No, extremely well. (lifts up a leg belonging to a body behind desk, and holds up a card saying 'joke') Well, before he went he left a note with the company secretary (opens a nearby door; a dead company secretary falls out), the effect of which was how disappointed he was with your work and, in particular, why you had changed the name from Conquistador Instant Coffee to Conquistador Instant Leprosy. Why, Frog?

Frog S. Frog, sir.

Boss Shut up. Why did you do it?

Frog It was a joke.

Boss A joke? (holds up card saying 'joke')

Frog No, no not a joke, a sales campaign. (holds up a card saying 'No, a Sales Campaign')

Boss I see, Frog.

Frog S. Frog, sir.

Boss Shut up. Now, let's have a look at the sales chart. (indicates a plummeting sales graph) When you took over this account, Frog, Conquistador was a brand leader. Here you introduced your first campaign, 'Conquistador Coffee brings a new meaning to the word vomit'. Here you made your special introductory offer of a free dead dog with every jar, and this followed your second campaign 'the tingling fresh coffee which brings you exciting new cholera, mange, dropsy, the clap, hard pad and athlete's head. From the House of Conquistador'.

Frog It was a soft-sell, sir

Boss Why, Frog?

Frog S. Frog, sir.

Boss Shut up! Well?

Frog Well, people know the name, sir.

Boss They certainly do know the name - they burnt the factory down. The owner is hiding in my bathroom (shot heard) - the owner was hiding in my bathroom. (holds up 'joke' card again)

Frog You're not going to fire me, sir?

Boss Fire you? Three men dead, the factory burnt down, the account lost and our firm completely bankrupt, what... what... what ... can you possibly say? What excuse can you possibly make?

Frog Sorry, father. (holds up the 'joke' card)

Boss Oh, yes. Oh, incidentally your film's won a prize.

Counting down to Liefest 2004 aka the Neo-Con Convention

Ted Rall tells the Grand Old Pricks what kind of welcome they can expect

One of the Swiftboat Neo-Con Funded Lying Sacks Of Crap said he would consider his own Bronze Star "fraudulent" if coming under enemy fire was the basis for it. Oh, really, sunshine?

380,422 Teeth And One Chickenshit Sales Dep't - the ad the Minneapolis Star-Tribune is too scared to run.

Now, a newspaper has every right to not run ads they plain don't want to. It's their business, their rules. But then there's this salient point:

Sally Nelson, the Strib's director of communications, declines to elaborate on what about the ad was offensive. "We're not going to get into the specifics and the details," she says. Nelson also declines to make available a copy of the newspaper's "Standards of Good Taste."

Stone takes issue with the notion that the poster is somehow not fit for print. "It's all true," he notes of the statistics. "There's no dirty words. I'm not soliciting sex from a minor or anything."

You make the call, folks. For myself, I already have - chickenshits.

A friendly tip for pedophile peeping toms

Don't try it in North Royalton!

"The girl's aunt admitted to sexually assaulting Russo with a tree branch, police said.

The incident was caught on tape.

Meanwhile, police said that citizens should not take matters into their own hands.

"To take matters into their own hands like they did was just way, way beyond reason," North Royalton Detective Jay Drake said."

Yeah, well, so's going all peeping tom on a five year old. Me, I'd have ripped off his shrivelled unit, tied that to the tree branch, and then sexually assaulted him with it. Call me crazy!

Apparently murder charges may be filed if the loser dies. God BLESS the American system of justice!

God, I love Canadian humor.

Phish Stuns Fans at Conclusion of Final Show

"I smell a reunion. No wait, that's just my armpits."

Calls to both Phish's management as well as any of the major Christian denominations were not returned.

(Note: the above website is apparently the Canadian version of The Onion.)

John Kerry's reply to The Swift Boat Liars

In essence, "Bring it, bitch".

(Snagged from the wise and holy Eschaton)

*SQUEE!*

Save my mommy, pwease! You did! YAY!