Your daily Milligan

(From the Goon Show episode "Histories Of Pliny The Elder")

Greenslade: And so the Britons, in their blue woad, took the field before the might of the Roman Army.
Grams: Chorus [Land of the Free]
Caesar: Brutus Moriaritus, here, what kind of army is this that takes the field in blue jerseys with a ball at their feet?
Moriaritus: Must be some kind of trickus. Look! They're forming up.
Fx: Whistle.
Caesar: That must be their signal to attack.
Moriaritus: Forward, men, advanceus!
Fx: Battle Charge sounds on trumpet, Battle sounds
Bloodnok: Ahh! I say there Eccles?: Here, here...
Bloodnok: They're a rough lot, these Romans!
Fx: Whistle.
Bloodnok: Ahhh!
Moriaritus: What? What's this, why have you stopped for?
Seagoon: Rough play, that's what we've stopped for, I'll tell 'ee. By 'eck, every time I come up the wing your outside right swipes at me with a dirty big sword!
Caesar: I say, what is all this hold up about?
Seagoon: Well, rough play, that's what..
Eccles: Yeah, yeah
Seagoon: Well, I mean, and then, and then, Jack, we can't hold with all this javelin practice when the ball's in play! And another thing, you're only allowed eleven men on the field. I've counted 693 of yours so far!
Caesar: All right, I'll send one off.
Seagoon: Righto, carry on.
Fx: Battle sounds resume
Greenslade: The result, Romans: 900, England: 3. War stopped play.
Fx: Marching, whistling Lily Marlene.
Narrator: Like a mighty octopus, the legions of Rome spread across England. For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, finally with a piece of string.