Neo-Con Convention Commentary Night Two

[docwebster]

Let's get right to House Speaker Dennis Hastert's remarks over the weekend (Yeah, I know it didn't happen during the RNC. Bite me.) about billionaire George Soros in which Hastert reveals he apparently doesn't understand the meaning of the word "Slander":

WALLACE: Let me switch subjects. You both had very deep reservations about McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform before it was passed. In fact, I think you say in your book, Mr. Speaker, that you thought it was the worst piece of legislation that had been passed by a Republican Congress since you've come to Washington.
Now that everyone seems upset with these so-called independent 527 groups, whether it's MoveOn.org on the liberal side of the spectrum or Swift Boat Veterans for Truth on the conservative side, do you feel like saying, "I told you so"?

HASTERT: Well, you know, that doesn't do any good. You know, but look behind us at this convention. I remember when I was a kid watching my first convention in 1992, when both the Democratic Party and the Republican Party laid out their platform, laid out their philosophy, and that's what they followed.

Here in this campaign, quote, unquote, "reform," you take party power away from the party, you take the philosophical ideas away from the party, and give them to these independent groups.

You know, I don't know where George Soros gets his money. I don't know where -- if it comes overseas or from drug groups or where it comes from. And I...

WALLACE: Excuse me?

HASTERT: Well, that's what he's been for a number years -- George Soros has been for legalizing drugs in this country. So, I mean, he's got a lot of ancillary interests out there.

WALLACE: You think he may be getting money from the drug cartel?

HASTERT: I'm saying I don't know where groups -- could be people who support this type of thing. I'm saying we don't know. The fact is we don't know where this money comes from.

(The above was snagged from The Carpetbagger Report. Go there to read the blogger's comments on the situation.)

Sometimes, the jokes just write themselves. Dennis Hastert, you are a major fool. But this is pretty well understood, so let's move on.

The two big speakers tonight were The Stepword Wife.. I mean, The First "Lady" Laura Bush and Governor Grabass himself, Schwardzie Arnolnegger.

"The First Auton" (there's a reference for you) apparently spoke of her chimpanz*eraseeraseerase*husband's alleged courage, saying she wants "to talk about the issue that I believe is most important for my own daughters, for all our families, and for our future: George's work to protect our country and defeat terror so that all children can grow up in a more peaceful world."

Yeah. George's work. I guess those 900+ we've lost over there were only bit players, huh?

But tonight's convention theme was trying to position Republicans as "people of compassion". Which is why Sheri Dew was a speaker last night. Sheri Dew, as I mentioned in last night's report, is the Mormon activist who reportedly maintains (and I quote) that "those who fail to oppose same-sex marriage can be compared to those who failed to stand up against Hitler during his rise to power".

I can't make this stuff up, folks.

Compassion is also at the heart of gospel singer and "ex-gay" Donnie McClurkin's personal philosophy. The man is so compassionate, in fact, that he reportedly told Pat Robertson on The 700 Club that gay Americans are "trying to kill our children". Donnie is apparently slated to entertain the convention on Thursday night, the night the President is scheduled to accept his party's sycophancy.. I mean, nomination.

Looks like the Zoloft isn't working out, eh Donnie?

Now, back to The Governator and his remarks of the night, in which he told the world with his bare face hanging out that Richard Nixon's example had shaped his image of our country.

"But then I heard Nixon speak. He was talking about free enterprise, getting government off your back, lowering taxes and strengthening the military."

"Und tepping Oval Office conversations, breaking into der Watergate Hotel, little tings like dot." Schwarzenegger did NOT go on to say.

"Schwarzenegger said it is the Republican Party that embraces diversity and protects families." (quote from CNN.com's coverage.)

Just ignore that pesky Family Marriage Amendment behind the curtain, eh Ahnuld?

Which is also I guess why Wednesday night the rostrum will be graced by such notably compassionate people as Rick Santorum, Mitch McConnell, Elaine Chao, Mitt Romney, Zell Miller, and Vice President and Mrs. Cheney. Yeah.

Not content with shamelessly capitalizing on the memory of the victims of That Day, tomorrow night the convention will also feature a tribute to the life and times of Ronald Wilson Reagan.. who the convention organizers would rather you forget the fact that his own son was a speaker at the Democratic convention.

Now we come to the main event of my report, this evening, a complete transcript of Stephen Colbert's remarks about the convention on tonight's Daily Show:

Jon: What did you make of last night's focus on September 11th?

Stephen: Well, remember, Jon that 9/11 and it's aftermath bring to mind a time of unprecedented national unity, when from the crucible of an unthinkable national tragedy, there arose a steely patriotism transcending ideology and partisanship.. that stuff kills in the swing states. Those NASCAR dads suck it down in a feeding tube.

Jon: Soooo you had no problem with it?

Stephen: Jon, I found it crasstastic. The message was delivered (by the) Republicans' most popular figures, John McCain and Rudolph Giuliani, two men of bravery and leadership, qualities the President would very much like associated with him.

Jon: Well, Stephen, let me ask you this - what is tonight's theme?

Stephen: Tonight, Jon, they took last night's theme - a Bush victory would bring closure to the 9/11 families - and built on it with a theme of compassion. We heard from widows, orphans, the enfeebled (ed: but enough about McCain! *badumpCHING*), the limbless, all raising their voice in support of the President, whose compassion - like the Olympics - triumphantly springs forth every four years. (ed: At this point the audience absolutely lost it) Y'see, it all goes with the overall theme for this convention - "A Time For Unmitigated Gall". (ed: lots of imaginary horses being told to whoa, apparently. *cough*)

Jon: But Stephen, to be perfectly fair, aren't all political conventions manipulative?

Stephen: No. Jon, to call this convention manipulative is to call Marcel Marceau "a little quiet". These people are artists, operating at the peak of their abilities! For example, take Thursday night's theme - "F**k you, what are you gonna do about it?"

Jon: That.. that can't be right. Stephen, that sounds absolutely awful!

Stephen: Yeah, but f**k us, what are we gonna do?

Jon: Thank you, Stephen Colbert.



BOOya!

Comments

[josette.livejournal.com]

Sheri Dew...very interesting. She is in a high position in the Mormon church and the church tries not to take sides on the political issues, but there seems to be an exception for gay marriage. The marriage amendment on the ballot in Utah is having issues because there is no official LDS church endorsement of Amentment 3.
http://www.advocate.com/new_news.asp?ID=13454&sd=08/21/04-08/23/04
This amendment sucks so much even Utah conservatives oppose it.

She is an interesting choice for the invocation, since most of the Religious Right don't consider Mormons as Christians. Belittling the Holocaust is not going to help...