docwebster (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
docwebster) wrote2006-12-20 01:03 am
docwebster) wrote2006-12-20 01:03 am
MIT3K - Mystery Internet Theater 3000 does Condi Rice!
Get your mind out of the gutter. This is part of her testimony to the 911 Commission in April. I'll do more of it later, add host segments and the like and publish it all perty like in here. But for now, here's a very rough draft of part one:
I thank the Commission for arranging this special session.
Servo: (mutters) Bastards.
Thank you for helping to find a way to meet the Nation's need to learn all we can about the September 11th attacks, while preserving important Constitutional principles.
Joel: Some jokes just write themselves, folks.
This Commission, and those who appear before it, have a vital charge.
Crow: A buck forty three from eBay for the shipment of sour persimmons to keep my facial expression like this at all times.
We owe it to those we lost, and to their loved ones, and to our country, to learn all we can about that tragic day, and the events that led to it.
Joel: Just as soon as President Bush is out of office, anyway.
Many families of the victims are here today, and I thank them for their contributions to the Commission's work.
Joel: Anybody want to touch that one?
Servo: Nope.
Crow: I'm not, and you can't make me.
The terrorist threat to our Nation did not emerge on September 11th, 2001.
Servo: My God, you're brilliant, Holmes!
Long before that day, radical, freedom-hating terrorists declared war on America and on the civilized world.
Joel: But enough about Karl Rove!
Crow: BadumpCHING!
Servo: Hiyoooooooo!
The attack on the Marine barracks in Lebanon in 1983, the hijacking of the Achille Lauro in 1985, the rise of al-Qaida and the bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993, the attacks on American installations in Saudi Arabia in 1995 and 1996, the East Africa embassy bombings of 1998, the attack on the USS Cole in 2000, these and other atrocities were part of a sustained, systematic campaign to spread devastation and chaos and to murder innocent Americans.
Crow: (as Bush) Which had absolutely nothing to *do* with Saddam Hussein, but let's pretend!
Servo: Sort of explains the entire Bush administration, doesn't it?
The terrorists were at war with us, but we were not yet at war with them.
Joel: Just ignore that whole silly thing in '91. Whoopsie!
For more than 20 years, the terrorist threat gathered, and America's response across several administrations of both parties was insufficient.
Crow: (as John Cleese) It's stone insufficient! This terrorist policy is bleeding demised!
Historically, democratic societies have been slow to react to gathering threats, tending instead to wait to confront threats until they are too dangerous to ignore or until it is too late.
Servo: If we'd have been faster, we could have stopped Pat Boone from wearing bondage gear at the Grammys!
Joel: Yeah, when he did that "metal" album?
All: EEEEEWWWWWW!
Despite the sinking of the Lusitania in 1915 and continued German harassment of American shipping, the United States did not enter the First World War until two years later.
Joel: Well, thank YOU, Miss Exposition-For-Fun-And-Profit!
Despite Nazi Germany's repeated violations of the Versailles Treaty and its string of provocations throughout the mid-1930s, the Western democracies did not take action until 1939.
Crow: This was right out of the Depression, soooo we were supposed to get the money to do this where, again?
The U.S. Government did not act against the growing threat from Imperial Japan until the threat became all too evident at Pearl Harbor. And, tragically, for all the language of war spoken before September 11th, this country simply was not on a war footing.
Joel: Lousy peace loving bastards.
Since then, America has been at war. And under President Bush's leadership, we will remain at war until the terrorist threat
to our Nation is ended.
Servo: No matter how many elections his daddy's hand picked judges have to hand him!
Crow: Wait a minute, doesn't he only get one more at most?
Servo: Just you wait, bunky.
The world has changed so much that it is hard to remember what our lives were like before that day.
Joel: Pretty nice, as I recall.
But I do want to describe the actions this Administration was taking to fight terrorism before September 11th, 2001.
Crow: Just as soon as we can figure out what the hell they were, we'll be right with you!
After President Bush was elected,
(Joel and the Bots collapse in hysterical laughter)
we were briefed by the Clinton Administration on many national security issues during the transition. The President-elect and I were briefed by George Tenet on terrorism and on the al-Qaida network.
Crow: Unfortunately, the "President" *snicker* thought that was where he watched Sesame Street, so it didn't go over so well.
Members of Sandy Berger's NSC staff briefed me, along with other members of the new national security team, on
counterterrorism and al-Qaida.
Joel: I think we get the point.
Servo: I'm not sure she does.
Members of Sandy Berger's NSC staff briefed me, along with other members of the new national security team, on
counterterrorism and al-Qaida.
Servo: Does she have any concept how deep a hole she's digging herself?
This briefing lasted about one hour, and it reviewed the Clinton Administration's counterterrorism approach and the various counterterrorism activities then underway.
Joel: Alas, the A-Team simply wasn't available.
Sandy and I personally discussed a variety of other topics, including North Korea, Iraq, the Middle East, and the Balkans.
All: "Sandy Berger, Sandy Berger, thinks that turrists fall from trees!"
Joel: Doesn't have quite the same ring, does it?
Servo: Not really, no.
Because of these briefings, and because we had watched the rise of al-Qaida over many years, we understood that the network posed a serious threat to the United States. We wanted to ensure that there was no respite in the fight against al-Qaida.
Servo: (Johnny Cochran voice) If there is a fight, you get no respite!
On an operational level, therefore, we decided immediately to continue to pursue the Clinton administration's covert action authority and other efforts to fight the network.
Crow: When in doubt -
All: Blame Clinton.
Crow: Hey, it's worked for them so far, what could possibly go wrong?
President Bush retained George Tenet as direction of central intelligence, and Louis Freeh remained the director of the FBI. And I took the unusual step of retaining Dick Clarke and the entire Clinton administration's counterterrorism team on the NSC staff. I knew Dick Clarke to be an expert in his field, as well as an experienced crisis manager. Our goal was to ensure continuity of operations while we developed new policies.
Crow: (Cheney voice) But we decided to hell with that, let's tie one on and go quail hunting!
At the beginning of the administration, President Bush revived the practice of meeting with the director of central
intelligence almost every day in the Oval Office, meetings which I attended, along with the vice president and the chief of staff. At these meetings, the president received up-to-date intelligence and asked questions of his most senior intelligence officials.
JOel: Up-to-date intelligence which we completely ignored, but let's not talk about that right now.
Servo: Up-to-date intelligence? Up-to-date as opposed to what - reading tea leaves, consulting a magic 8 ball?
From January 20th through September 10th, the president received at these daily meetings more than 40 briefing items on al-Qaida, and 13 of those were in response to questions he or his top advisers posed.
All: These Bob Mackey poses are faaaaabulousssss!
In addition to seeing DCI Tenet almost every morning, I generally spoke by telephone to coordinate policy at 7:15 with Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld on a variety of topics, and I also met and spoke regularly with the DCI about al-Qaida and terrorism. Of course, we did have other responsibilities. President Bush had set a broad foreign policy agenda. We were determined to confront the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction.
Crow: We didn't actually *find* any, mind you!
Servo: D'OH!
We were improving America's relations with the world's great powers.
(All collapse in utter hysterics)
More in a few days, mayhaps.
I thank the Commission for arranging this special session.
Servo: (mutters) Bastards.
Thank you for helping to find a way to meet the Nation's need to learn all we can about the September 11th attacks, while preserving important Constitutional principles.
Joel: Some jokes just write themselves, folks.
This Commission, and those who appear before it, have a vital charge.
Crow: A buck forty three from eBay for the shipment of sour persimmons to keep my facial expression like this at all times.
We owe it to those we lost, and to their loved ones, and to our country, to learn all we can about that tragic day, and the events that led to it.
Joel: Just as soon as President Bush is out of office, anyway.
Many families of the victims are here today, and I thank them for their contributions to the Commission's work.
Joel: Anybody want to touch that one?
Servo: Nope.
Crow: I'm not, and you can't make me.
The terrorist threat to our Nation did not emerge on September 11th, 2001.
Servo: My God, you're brilliant, Holmes!
Long before that day, radical, freedom-hating terrorists declared war on America and on the civilized world.
Joel: But enough about Karl Rove!
Crow: BadumpCHING!
Servo: Hiyoooooooo!
The attack on the Marine barracks in Lebanon in 1983, the hijacking of the Achille Lauro in 1985, the rise of al-Qaida and the bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993, the attacks on American installations in Saudi Arabia in 1995 and 1996, the East Africa embassy bombings of 1998, the attack on the USS Cole in 2000, these and other atrocities were part of a sustained, systematic campaign to spread devastation and chaos and to murder innocent Americans.
Crow: (as Bush) Which had absolutely nothing to *do* with Saddam Hussein, but let's pretend!
Servo: Sort of explains the entire Bush administration, doesn't it?
The terrorists were at war with us, but we were not yet at war with them.
Joel: Just ignore that whole silly thing in '91. Whoopsie!
For more than 20 years, the terrorist threat gathered, and America's response across several administrations of both parties was insufficient.
Crow: (as John Cleese) It's stone insufficient! This terrorist policy is bleeding demised!
Historically, democratic societies have been slow to react to gathering threats, tending instead to wait to confront threats until they are too dangerous to ignore or until it is too late.
Servo: If we'd have been faster, we could have stopped Pat Boone from wearing bondage gear at the Grammys!
Joel: Yeah, when he did that "metal" album?
All: EEEEEWWWWWW!
Despite the sinking of the Lusitania in 1915 and continued German harassment of American shipping, the United States did not enter the First World War until two years later.
Joel: Well, thank YOU, Miss Exposition-For-Fun-And-Profit!
Despite Nazi Germany's repeated violations of the Versailles Treaty and its string of provocations throughout the mid-1930s, the Western democracies did not take action until 1939.
Crow: This was right out of the Depression, soooo we were supposed to get the money to do this where, again?
The U.S. Government did not act against the growing threat from Imperial Japan until the threat became all too evident at Pearl Harbor. And, tragically, for all the language of war spoken before September 11th, this country simply was not on a war footing.
Joel: Lousy peace loving bastards.
Since then, America has been at war. And under President Bush's leadership, we will remain at war until the terrorist threat
to our Nation is ended.
Servo: No matter how many elections his daddy's hand picked judges have to hand him!
Crow: Wait a minute, doesn't he only get one more at most?
Servo: Just you wait, bunky.
The world has changed so much that it is hard to remember what our lives were like before that day.
Joel: Pretty nice, as I recall.
But I do want to describe the actions this Administration was taking to fight terrorism before September 11th, 2001.
Crow: Just as soon as we can figure out what the hell they were, we'll be right with you!
After President Bush was elected,
(Joel and the Bots collapse in hysterical laughter)
we were briefed by the Clinton Administration on many national security issues during the transition. The President-elect and I were briefed by George Tenet on terrorism and on the al-Qaida network.
Crow: Unfortunately, the "President" *snicker* thought that was where he watched Sesame Street, so it didn't go over so well.
Members of Sandy Berger's NSC staff briefed me, along with other members of the new national security team, on
counterterrorism and al-Qaida.
Joel: I think we get the point.
Servo: I'm not sure she does.
Members of Sandy Berger's NSC staff briefed me, along with other members of the new national security team, on
counterterrorism and al-Qaida.
Servo: Does she have any concept how deep a hole she's digging herself?
This briefing lasted about one hour, and it reviewed the Clinton Administration's counterterrorism approach and the various counterterrorism activities then underway.
Joel: Alas, the A-Team simply wasn't available.
Sandy and I personally discussed a variety of other topics, including North Korea, Iraq, the Middle East, and the Balkans.
All: "Sandy Berger, Sandy Berger, thinks that turrists fall from trees!"
Joel: Doesn't have quite the same ring, does it?
Servo: Not really, no.
Because of these briefings, and because we had watched the rise of al-Qaida over many years, we understood that the network posed a serious threat to the United States. We wanted to ensure that there was no respite in the fight against al-Qaida.
Servo: (Johnny Cochran voice) If there is a fight, you get no respite!
On an operational level, therefore, we decided immediately to continue to pursue the Clinton administration's covert action authority and other efforts to fight the network.
Crow: When in doubt -
All: Blame Clinton.
Crow: Hey, it's worked for them so far, what could possibly go wrong?
President Bush retained George Tenet as direction of central intelligence, and Louis Freeh remained the director of the FBI. And I took the unusual step of retaining Dick Clarke and the entire Clinton administration's counterterrorism team on the NSC staff. I knew Dick Clarke to be an expert in his field, as well as an experienced crisis manager. Our goal was to ensure continuity of operations while we developed new policies.
Crow: (Cheney voice) But we decided to hell with that, let's tie one on and go quail hunting!
At the beginning of the administration, President Bush revived the practice of meeting with the director of central
intelligence almost every day in the Oval Office, meetings which I attended, along with the vice president and the chief of staff. At these meetings, the president received up-to-date intelligence and asked questions of his most senior intelligence officials.
JOel: Up-to-date intelligence which we completely ignored, but let's not talk about that right now.
Servo: Up-to-date intelligence? Up-to-date as opposed to what - reading tea leaves, consulting a magic 8 ball?
From January 20th through September 10th, the president received at these daily meetings more than 40 briefing items on al-Qaida, and 13 of those were in response to questions he or his top advisers posed.
All: These Bob Mackey poses are faaaaabulousssss!
In addition to seeing DCI Tenet almost every morning, I generally spoke by telephone to coordinate policy at 7:15 with Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld on a variety of topics, and I also met and spoke regularly with the DCI about al-Qaida and terrorism. Of course, we did have other responsibilities. President Bush had set a broad foreign policy agenda. We were determined to confront the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction.
Crow: We didn't actually *find* any, mind you!
Servo: D'OH!
We were improving America's relations with the world's great powers.
(All collapse in utter hysterics)
More in a few days, mayhaps.
no subject
I think the State of the Union address should be next on the agenda...Or, perhaps, a collaboration on the Hurricane Katrina coverage?
So many jokes, so little time.
Well, you know what they say in New Orleans...C'est levee!