docwebster | Lord help me

But I'm going to post a bit of vintage Red Dwarf/Blackadder fanfic I wrote yea many moons ago, in two parts.

DWARFADDER - Part One
(Author's Note: Rimmer is in hardlight mode for this story, and we can
assume that this renders him capable via Holly of a sense of smell)

Scene One - Rimmer and Lister's quarters onboard Red Dwarf
(Rimmer is lying on his bunk, eyes closed. We see him wrinkle his nose,
as if smelling something bad, then shrug. We then see him take a long
sniff and open his eyes wide as if he smells something horrible. Cut to
a wide shot of the room and we see the cause of his distress - Lister is
setting with his bare feet propped up in front of a fan!)

Rimmer: Lister, what in God's name are you doing?

Lister: I'm chillin' out, man - relaxin'.

Rimmer: (eyes watering) Lister, I pledge to you that your foot odor is
as close to being the ultimate weapon of biological warfare as I've ever
encountered.

Lister: (leans back, closes his eyes, and sighs in absolute bliss) Smeg
off, Rimmer. (there is a "bloop" sound and Holly appears on the little
screen)

Holly: Attention please, attention. Scanners have detected a ship off
the port bow.

Rimmer: Pardon me if I don't get too excited? The last time you thought
something was a ship it turned out Lister had left one of his video
games on.

Holly: See for yourself, then. (Holly is briefly replaced and we see
what indeed appears to be a derelict ship)

Lister: (Lister mouths The Word along with Rimmer, knowing what he's
going to say) Aliens!

Holly: Nah, I don't think so. The ship appears to be of Earth origin.
(Kryten enters) Strange thing is, it appears to be adrift.

Kryten: Holly, are there any life signs?

Holly: May be. Too faint to tell, really.

Rimmer: (mutters) Aren't they always? (Sighs) Alright, turn on the
containment fields and tractor them into the quarantine bay.

Scene Two: Quarantine Bay
(Kryten, Rimmer and Lister are all gathered about. The ship has indeed
been tractored into the bay. The ship is extremely battered look and
quite dusty)

Rimmer: It's incredible!

Lister: How long've they been out there, Hol?

Holly: According to what I've been able to gather from the ship's
computer, just over three million years.

Lister: Three million years!

Rimmer: Wasn't that the last time you actually bought new underpants?

Lister: Ha smeggin' ha.

Kryten: We were able to retrieve from the ship's computer what appears
to be a log of their last moments before they went adrift.

Lister: (Exchanges shrugs with Rimmer) Bang it on, Hol.

Scene Three: Vid
(Screen flashes on with "Log Tape Of The United Confederation Of
Galaxies Scout Ship 8311 XHT". We then see what appears to be the bridge
(such as it is), where sits Captain Edmund Blackadder (according to the
caption).)

Blackadder: Captain's log. When we left Earth, we were told that our
mission was one of highest scientific importance. We were to search for
new peoples and new galaxies, to boldy go where no one has gone before,
and whenever possible, diddle alien females. Personally, I think we were
bogged off to the far reaches of absolutely nowhere because of that
unfortunate misunderstanding involving myself, Admiral Melchett's wife,
the trapeze, and that case of guava melons. Should this log, by any
remote chance, actually ever reach Admiral Melchett, I can only say -
sod off. (Close the log, and promptly there is a "blurp" sound) Oh, God.
(presses what apparently is the intercom switch) Yes, what is it?

Voice: Ship's engineer Baldrick, sir. I was cleaning the engineering
bays with my tongue as per your orders, sir, and I came across this
lovely little purple button. Do you have any idea what it is?

Blackadder: Is there, by chance, a death's head symbol beneath it and
the words "Do not engage"?

Baldrick: Yes, sir.

Blackadder: Then that would be, I fancy, the button that engages
Emergency Cryogenic Stasis, Baldrick.

Baldrick: Ooo. Can I press it?

Blackadder: For God's sake, no, Baldrick!

Baldrick: Right! "Go" it is! (Sounds of "Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!" fill the
air. You know, the standard "Red Alert" sound effect.)

Blackadder: (panicky) BALDRICK! I SAID "NO", NOT "G-" (recording cuts
off suddenly and we are back in the hangar bay)

Rimmer: Do you mean to tell me that -

Holly: The ship is, in effect, one giant popsicle, yeah.

Rimmer: So what do we do now?

Lister: Wait until they thaw out, I suppose!

Scene Four - Red Dwarf Medical Bay

(We see Captain Edmund Blackadder of the 8311-XHT lying on a medical
bed. The screen goes black, but it becomes clear that we are looking
through Edmund's eyes because we see a sliver of light. Then Edmund's
eyes open fully, but everything is still blurry. We can make out some
sort of object which, as everything comes into focus, becomes clear is
Kryten's smiling face leaning over Edmund)

Kryten: Ah, Captain Blackadder, you're awake. How may I - ? (Everything
quickly goes blurry, then black, again. It's obvious that Edmund has
passed out on sight of Kryten. After a few moments, we go through much
the same sequence as before, but the person Edmund sees is Rimmer. Cut
to a wide shot of the med bay)

Rimmer: Captain, Kryten told me you were stirring about.

Blackadder: (weakly) N-never mind that. Some poor sod's been in the most
horrific accident.

Rimmer: Ah. Chap that looks like his head was used as an emergency
landing pad by a star cruiser?

Blackadder: Yes, quite.

Rimmer: That would be Kryten. He's a mechanoid.

Blackadder: You mean to tell me someone actually made him that way?

Rimmer: It would seem so.

Blackadder: Good God. Tell me, were there any other survivors?

Rimmer: Only one. (Baldrick enters)

Blackadder: Oh, God.

Baldrick: 'Ello, Captain B!

Blackadder: The path of my life is again strewn with decaying dogturds
from Satan's own Hellish pack. (Kryten re-enters, behind Baldrick)

Kryten: We had quite some time getting him past the biofilters in the
quarantine hold. The ship's computers refused to acknowledge him as a
human being.

Blackadder: (sourly) Tell them not to bother.

Holly: As far as the databanks were concerned, he was a species entirely
unique in the universe.

Blackadder: He is.. a prime example of the genus Geneticus Wasteus.
(Actually *sees* Holly on the vidscreen, starts) Good God, what's that?

Rimmer: That's Holly, our ship's computer.

Holly: (proudly) With an IQ of 6,000 (Rimmer rolls his eyes)!

Blackadder: Don't act overly smug. That's only the same as ninety-six
thousand Baldricks. What about my ship?

Rimmer: That ship has about as much chance of leaving right now as
Coventry City have of winning the FA Cup.

Kryten: The Scutters are working on it right now, Captain Blackadder
sir, but we have no idea how long it will take.

Blackadder: Well, the sooner we can get it fixed and get back to Earth
the better.

Kryten: I'm afraid that may not be possible, sir. Nor even desirable,
really.

Blackadder: Why not?

Holly: Because you were in cryogenic stasis for over three million
years.

Blackadder: (Stunned) Good God.

Baldrick: Pull the other one! (Lister enters)

Lister: It's true. Same thing happened to me. I was in Stasis when
Captain Bog Roll (indicates Rimmer) here didn't seal the drive plate
properly. (Rimmer registers wounded dignity) The ship was flooded with
radiation and everyone on board died.

Blackadder: (starts) Wait a moment! Inefficiently sealed drive plate...
Would this by chance be the Jupiter Mining Corporation Ship "Red Dwarf"?

Rimmer: (puffs his chest out) Finest ship in the fleet!

Baldrick: That's funny, *I* heard the Red Dwarf was so bloody awful it's
nickname was "Pillocks R Us".

Lister: Nah. Just Rimmer.

Blackadder: (Unsteadily swings his legs over the side of the bed and
sits up) Well, then, at least I can fulfill *part* of my mission.

Rimmer: And that is? (Edmund promptly produces a particularly nasty
looking laser pistol of some sort from a hip holster and points it at
Rimmer. Rimmer's eyes go wide, then he squints, gulps, and looks down,
then straight ahead again)

Blackadder: Does he do that often?

Kryten: More often than you might believe.

Rimmer: Arnold Judas Rimmer - In the name of the United Confederation Of
Galaxies, I hereby arrest you on the charge of willful murder of the crew
and personnel of the Jupiter Mining Corporation Ship Red Dwarf.

Lister: Brutal!

(go to credits)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere,
I'm all alone,
more or less.
Let me fly,
far away from here,
fun, fun, fun,
in the sun, sun, sun.

I want to lie,
shipwrecked and comatose,
drinking fresh mango juice,
goldfish shoals,
nibbling at my toes!
Fun, fun, fun,
in the sun, sun, sun.
Fun, fun, fun,
in the sun, sun, sun.

I posted this to the BLKADR-L listserv list over a decade ago. I'll post the conclusion tomorrow.