docwebster | DwarfAdder, the conclusion

Scene One - Red Dwarf medical bay
---------------------------------

(We open with Captain Edmund Blackadder training a rather nasty looking
laser pistol on Rimmer)

Blackadder: Arnold Judas Rimmer, I intend to take you back to Earth for
incarceration and trial.

Cat: Out of a sense of justice?

Blackadder: No, there's a fat sodding reward.

Kryten: Erm, an otherwise estimable plan, Captain Blackadder, with only
three minor drawbacks.

Blackadder: Those being?

Kryten: We are three million years from Earth. Also, we are three
million years from Earth. Furthermore, and I cannot stress this enough,
we are three MILLION years from Earth. I realize that's only truly one
drawback, but I thought I'd mention it.

Blackadder: Fine. Justice World should still be operational, it was
made to be indestructible.

Lister: Been there, done that, bought the bloody t-shirt.

Blackadder: (sour look) Lovely. (looks at Rimmer) Well, me old salt, it
looks as though you're going to get away with murder!

Rimmer: Don't you think I don't punish myself? Don't you think I
castigate myself on a daily basis for what could have been? Haven't I
suffered enough?

Cat: Excuse me, but at what point did this become an episode of
All My Children?

Lister: (sighs) Let's go see how the Skutters are gettin' along with y'
ship. (everyone leaves)

Scene Two - Quarters
--------------------

(Edmund and Baldrick enter, followed by Kryten carrying a couple of
suitcases of some sort)

Kryten: I hope you enjoy these quarters during your stay, sirs. If
there's anything I can do to make your stay more pleasurable, please do
not hesitate to ask.

Blackadder: Actually, there is one thing.

Kryten: Yes, Captain Blackadder sir?

Blackadder: Kill Baldrick.

Kryten: Erm, I'm sorry sir, but my programm...

Blackadder: Skip it, you oversized weed eater. (Kryten leaves) Well,
Baldrick, it seems we're stuck three million years into our own personal
future because you were such an utter clot.

Baldrick: (shrugs) It's a living.

Blackadder: (mutters) Not much of one.

Baldrick: What'll we do now, then?

Blackadder: Wait until our ship is repaired. Beyond that, precious
bloody little.

Scene Three - Drive room
------------------------

(Rimmer, Kryten, Cat and Lister are there)

Rimmer: Well, gentlemen, what to do with our two guests?

Cat: Fence posts?

Rimmer: Thank you, litter box for brains.

Kryten: If I may be so bold, sirs, Holly and I have possibly come up
with a way to turn this dreadful situation to both groups mutual
advantage.

Lister: What d' ya mean, Kryten?

Kryten: Well, by using the 8311XHT's computers to boost Holly, we may be
able to physically create a time hole.

Rimmer: And how do you propose to do *that*?

Kryten: By extraplolating from Einstein's theory of relativity and by
dint of a smegload of pure guesswork.

Rimmer: Drawbacks?

Kryten: If we are able to create something - we may only succeed in
destroying ourselves utterly... or we may end up in some utterly
inhospitable time. That's assuming it works at all and we don't end up
looking like total goits.

Rimmer: Pardon me for saying so, but if it's a choice between staying
with you lot for God knows how long or take a chance of ending up
being stuffed up a dinosaur's backside, I say Ho for Godzilla's catflap.
(All four stand)

Lister: (sticks out his fist) Boys from the Dwarf. (Kryten, Rimmer and
Cat join him - and we pull back until we see this scene is being watched
on another scanner. An unseen figure chuckles.)

Scene Four
----------

(Captain Blackadder, Baldrick, Lister, Kryten, Rimmer and Cat are all
present. Holly is on the video screen)

Blackadder: So you mean to hook up my ship's computers and engines with
yours to try and create a timehole?

Kryten: That *is* the gist of the plot, yes sir.

Blackadder: What alternatives are there?

Rimmer: Being stuck for the rest of your natural life with your engineer
here for company.

Blackadder: (gives That Blackadder Look) I'll get the cables, you hook
up the computers. Baldrick?

Baldrick: Yessir, Captain B?

Blackadder: Go take a long walk out a short airlock. (Everyone else but
Lister and Baldrick leave)

Lister: Yo, why do you let 'im treat you like that?

Baldrick: My family's been linked with his since 1532.

Lister: *My* family's been linked with itchy veruccas since the dawn of
man but I don't take *smeg* from 'em.

Scene Five - Red Dwarf Main Computer Room
----------------------------------------

(Lister hooks together two rather meaty cables and stands)

Lister: (to Rimmer) Well, that should hook up Holly with the 8311XHT's
computers. (Looks around) Where's Cat?

Rimmer: Finding something to color co-ordinate with the junction cables.
(On cue, the Cat does his twisting, twirling, yowling dancing gait into
the room. Trust me, his outfit is beyond description. Mainly because I
can't think of one)

Blackadder: (to Kryten) You know, if I didn't know better...

Kryten: Yes, Captain Blackadder sir?

Blackadder: It's just that this Cat person reminds me of someone I
know.. knew.

Cat: Yeeeeoooowww!!! Am I lookin' nice? Of COURSE I do! Yowwwww!

Kryten: With your permission, sirs, Holly and I will make the necessary
computations and begin the timehole creation. (Everyone looks at each
nervously)

Lister: (sighs) Do it. (Kryten throws a switch and there is a big shower of
sparks. After a moment, people lower their arms and begin staring out
the window in open astonishment. Lister says quietly) Brutal. (We look
out the window and see, miracle of miracles - a timehole!!!!)

Scene Six - Red Dwarf Drive Room
----------------------------------
(Kryten is addressing the group)

Kryten: *Now* comes the tricky part. We have to build up the necessary
speed and enter the timehole at the correct angle, or all our work will
be useless.

Blackadder: (looks around the room and see who they'll have to work
with) Oh, GOD.

Baldrick: That's all right, Captain B. If it doesn't work, you'll still
have me for company.

Blackadder: Baldrick, I'd sooner be rogered by a stampeding herd of
sweaty wildebeest that hadn't had it in years. (Lister exchanges looks
with Baldrick. Baldrick stands)

Baldrick: With all due respect, Captain B - (looks at Lister again) Sod
off, you toffee-nosed ponce!

Blackadder: (frankly stunned) What did you say, Baldrick?

Baldrick: I said sod off, you toffee-nosed ponce! (Blackadder starts to
rise, Baldrick shoves him back down in the seat) And you better start
treating me with some bloody respect or I'll put my foot so far up your
catflap you'll have to sneeze so I can lace my boots! (Turns to Kryten)
What do we have to do to get up that speed, eh?

Kryten: (at a loss for words for once) Erm.. uh...

Baldrick: Well, look at this starchart 'ere. If we go full steam in reverse,
at this star 'ere, then bounce off it's gravitational field at the right
angle, we'll bounce right into the timehole like a straight six into the
pavilion.

Rimmer: How do you propose to "bounce off" the gravitational field?

Baldrick: Easy. Slam the Crimson Short One 'ere out of reverse and into
forward!

Blackadder: The Red Dwarf isn't capable of *that* much speed, Baldrick!

Baldrick: Sure it is, wot with our ship's engines kicking in as well!
C'mon, then! Captain Blackadder and I will man the engine controls of
the 8311XHT, and you lot can handle things on this end! Smoke me a
turnip, I'll be back for breakfast! (Baldrick and Blackadder leave)

Rimmer: (to Lister) You did it again, didn't you? (Lister merely folds
his hands, as if in prayer, and looks as holy as possible as he strides
out of shot. Rimmer, surprisingly, merely shakes his head and smiles as
he also heads out of shot)

Cat: I hope my suit co-ordinates well with that swirly thing.

Scene Seven: 8311XHT controls/Red Dwarf Drive Room
-------------------------------------------------
(Lister, Cat, Kryten and Rimmer are at the controls. By this time, the
8311XHT is on the top of Red Dwarf, locked to the roof by super-magnetic
clamps. Hey, I know that's lame sounding, but like I said before, it's a
fanfic.. work with me! :))

Voice Of Baldrick: (on intercom) Right! Now timing will be have to be
perfect for this to work, so for God's sake nobody smeg up! (Obviously
to Blackadder) Lister taught me that.

Voice Of Blackadder: Surprise, surprise. Let's get on with it, shall we?

V.O.Baldrick: Right. Engaging reverse thrusters. (slight sound as the
8311XHT's reverse engines kick in)

Lister: Engagin' reverse thrusters. (BIG noise of engines straining as
the Crimson Height-Challenged One slams into full reverse. Lister has to
yell to make himself heard above the din. Everything is shaking *hard*)
Range to gravitational field, fifteen thousand geekukes and closing!

V.O.Baldrick: (also yelling) When we close to five thousand geekukes,
I'll say "go"! Right then, hit the forward thrust with everything you've
got!

Rimmer: What about you lot? (cut to the 8311XHT's control room. Baldrick
is about to speak, but)

Blackadder: Smoke us a turnip, we'll be back for breakfast! (Turns to
Baldrick and manages a genuinely respectful thumbs up through all the
din and shaking. Cut back to the Red Dwarf drive room)

Lister: (REALLY having to scream now) 10,000 GEEKUKES! 9.. 8.. 7.. 6..

Kryten: HULL STRESS INCREASING EXPONENTIALLY!

V.O.Baldrick: NOW!

Lister: 5! (Slams his hands down on a particular button as we see
Blackadder and Baldrick do the same thing simultaneously (presumably).
There is a mind-mangling explosion of noise and light, the Dwarfers are
thrown from their chairs, and the entire screen goes white)

Scene Eight: Red Dwarf Drive Room
--------------------------------

(The Dwarfers are sprawled everywhere. Lister is the first to stir.
Everyone else stirs thereafter. It is apparent all present are in a
world of hurt. Holly swirls around on the screen a bit, but appears
fine)

Kryten: (reads a tickertape from his midsection) Damage Control Report:
Mild shock to internal head-gyros, slight damage to left arm unit, and
groinal socket needs immediate replacement. Boy, what a trip!

Lister: (painfully) 'olly, di... did we make it? (We see Holly
change to wearing a party hat. She is grinning from ear to ear.)

Holly: Incoming message! (The Dwarfers are standing, Lister is even
managing a weak touch up shuffle.)

Lister: Bang it on, Hol!

Intercom: Jupiter Mining Corporation to Red Dwarf. Come in, Red Dwarf!
We'd heard you were lost!

Rimmer: Ac.. Acting Captain Arnold J. Rimmer here. Get ready, JMC ..
we're coming home! (All begin cheering and dancing. Weakly, but dancing
nevertheless. Kryten alone is looking gloomy.)

Lister: What's the matter, eh?

Kryten: Sirs, the scanners. The 8311XHT isn't registering.

Rimmer: But that's impossible!

Kryten: No sirs, the magnetic clamps are mangled beyond recognition. I'm
afraid it appears the 8311XHT never made it though the timehole. (This
does cast a bit of a pall on things)

Rimmer: (very quietly) Let's go home. (cut to exterior shot as we see
the Dwarf approaching Earth)

Scene Nine - Epilogue
--------------------
(We see a caption - "Three million years into the future", then we see
the 8311XHT floating past. We cut to the inside of the 8311XHT)

Blackadder: Bugger.

BaldricK: What'll we do now?

Voice: (out of shot, impossibly cheerful) Rise and shine, that's what!
(We turn to see *George* (Hugh Laurie) in the same uniform as Blackadder
and Baldrick!)

George: Ship's Morale Officer George Jamison Smythe-Pottle-Smythe at
your service! Now I gather we're three million years into the future,
but that's no reason not to begin your day with a smile! (Cut to
exterior shot of the ship)

Voice Of Blackadder: Oh, GOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!

(fade up music)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere.
I'm all alone,
more or less.
Let me fly,
far away from here.
Fun, fun, fun,
in the sun, sun, sun.

I want to lie,
shipwrecked and comatose,
drinking fresh mango juice.
Goldfish shoals,
nibbling at my toes.
Fun, fun, fun,
in the sun, sun, sun.
Fun, fun, fun,
in the sun, sun, sun.

CAST:
-----

Captain Edmund Blackadder: Rowan Atkinson
Ship's Engineer Baldrick: Tony Robinson
Ship's Morale Office Smythe-Pottle-Smythe: Hugh Laurie
Dave Lister: Craig Charles
Arnold Rimmer: Chris Barrie
Cat: Danny John Jules
Kryten: Robert Llewellyn
Holly: Hattie Hayridge

(C) 1996, Please Don't Sue Me Auntie Beeb Productions